Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven, Baby Layne!

Yeah, I know you’re in a better place
And one day I’ll see you again
But it’s killing me we can’t be face to face
I miss my best friend

So, tonight I’m gonna pull out pictures, ones with you in ’em
Laugh and cry a little while reminiscing
By myself
I can’t help
That all I think about is
How you were taken way too soon
It ain’t the same here without you
I gotta say, missing you comes in waves
And tonight I’m drowning

— Drowning by Chris Young

 

Dearest Layne,

I’ve survived another year. I’ve been hearing that Chris Young song “Drowning” on Pandora a lot lately. I won’t lie, it makes me bawl my eyes out every time I hear it come on. Because especially this time of year, that’s exactly how I feel. I feel like I’m drowning. When it comes on, your little brother sure looks at me confused. I just smile through the tears and tell him that it’s okay. I promise one day I’ll tell him all about you.

I can’t believe you’re already two years old. I still have vivid flashbacks to that day often. I thought they would fade over time, but I still vividly remember every second, every emotion, and every ounce of pain that week brought into my life. While I know you’re in a better place, I still find myself angry that you can’t be here. It’s something that I still have to seek Jesus about and surrender daily — trusting God’s heart when I still don’t understand His hand.

This year has been just as hard as last year. Because the struggle and weight of grief doesn’t end once you have a rainbow baby. In a way, I feel like it just made it all evolve into something even deeper. Not only do I miss you, but I also miss what our family should look like. The questions from strangers have shifted from “Do you have kids?” to “Is this your first baby?” To be honest, I still don’t really know how to respond to that one. I often just stare at them for a minute — because I so badly want them to know you too. Sometimes I wish people would stop asking questions like that. Other times I crave the thought of telling people about you. Because while life has moved on for everyone else around me, you existed. You were mine. And I never want you to be forgotten with the passing time.

Your little brother looks so much like you (an a lot chunkier version of you – HA!), and I see your face in his every time I look at him. I so badly wish you could be here to snuggle him with me. Every day I imagine what our family would be like if you were still here. I think about how excited you would have been to find out you were getting a little brother. I think about us all cuddled up in my bed watching cartoons or taking a nap together. I think about you running around and showing your little brother all your cool toys and tricks. You would have been the best big brother, I just know it. With how much you look alike, I often wonder if you two would’ve had the same personality. He’s got the cutest little open mouth grin — and your daddy’s sense of humor. I really think you’d love him as much as I do. My hope is that you are able to watch your little brother grow from heaven. I hope you’re proud of him — and I hope you’re proud of the mom I’m trying to be. But most importantly, I hope you know that no one could never replace you and what you mean to me. The love I have for you is unlike any other.

I saw my first yellow butterfly of the season the other day floating around the back yard, and I pray that I see many more of them this year. I really miss them during the fall and winter. While I know you’re not here, I feel a little closer to you when I see them. I hope when you see yellow butterflies in heaven, you also think of me.

Today may be your birthday, but I pray that you know it isn’t the only day I celebrate you or think of you. I thank God for you every day. I pray so often that Jesus would give you a hug and a kiss for me. I love and miss you so much, little man. More than I could possibly put into words. I’m so proud of you. Today I celebrate your 38 minutes of life here on earth and praise God for your eternal life in the place we all long to be. I can’t thank you enough for making me a momma. I can’t wait to see you again one day. Happy 2nd Birthday, my sweet baby Layne.

Love always,

Mama

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